I feel like saying I'm lost.

But that's not quite right, is it? Besides the obvious cliche, the words fall flat. I never really found myself in the first place, so in a way I've always been lost; I just didn't notice it so much for a while there. Back then I threw away the map, and stared at you for guidance. You were all I needed, and I bathed in the joy that came with no directions.

And then, quite suddenly, you were gone, and I was on my own again. The loneliness took over, consumed me, and then spit me out in a crumpled ball when it was quite through. Stumbling, I tried to straighten up, to figure out which side of the world the sun faced, and I aimed in that direction. I chose the wrong path. I'm still heading toward the sun--if my calculations are right, I should start hitting the daylight Friday around noon--but it wasn't a straight shot.

Let's be honest. I lost you. "It wouldn't have worked out, anyway", I keep telling myself. I don't know if that's true, of course, but sometimes it hurts less thinking that way. Sometimes it hurts more.

I lost my motivation to do anything productive with my life. But I know I need the grades, so I'm doing the bare minimum. And getting away with it. Everyone's afraid to break me if they push too hard. The first few days hit hard. Even my teacher noticed Tuesday that something was terribly wrong with me. She offered me a chance to talk, but didn't push. I chose to be alone, hiding out on the couch in the bathroom with my headphones in, instead.

I lost my job. I need the money to go back to main campus next semester. To buy gas to get me to classes this semester. I need the experience to get me a future job. Or an internship. Or a life in the real world.

I don't know where I'm going. The only thing I can see is that tiny patch of sunlight on Friday.

God willing, the light it brings will help me last longer than I can imagine at the moment.

De-stressing

Alright, tad bit late on my goal post. I worked longer than normal this weekend and ended up completely disorganized, but I'm back, my assignments and plans for the week are written down (and color-coordinated!), and I'm ready to get back on schedule.

Going with the idea of long work hours, looming midterms, and plenty of class projects, I'm taking this week to start scheduling in "de-stressing" times. So, goal 29 is to take a little bit of time out each day to just turn away from all forms of distractions or technology, and take just a few minutes to breathe on my own, stop focusing so hard on whatever I happen to be doing, and just take the time to relax.

Stress is tiring and unhealthy, not to mention frustrating, and it'll be nice to try and get away from that a little bit each day.

Focusing on Money

Here it is, another Monday, and another day of reading textbooks I don't want to read for classes that I have tomorrow. Thankfully the classes themselves are at least somewhat interesting. This week is a crazy one for me--I had work yesterday, tomorrow I have class, Wednesday I work, Thursday I have class again (until 9:00 at night, have I mentioned that?), Friday I work, Saturday I work, and next Sunday I work, too. Basically, this is my only day off. I'm pretty happy that I actually planned ahead last week and didn't procrastinate for once--I have a project and a paper due on Tuesday; I finished both of them by the end of Saturday.

Anyway, none of that has to do with my goal of the week. While I am working more (and earning more money, woo!) I need to evaluate my spending as well. Along with my cleaning efforts, I've somehow stopped enjoying shopping as much as I once did. Last week I had a 40 dollar coupon to spend (no fine print except the expiration date; the benefits of buying things at Kohl's), and I literally had trouble finding things to buy. I got the two things I needed, and still had 20 dollars left to spend. I found myself wishing that 20 dollars was cash, because I'd rather have saved it than needed to spend it. Despite this, I'm still noticing that I'm spending close to what I make each week.

So goal 28 is to pay more attention to where my money goes, and to try to decrease my spending; i.e. refusing to let the caffeine-loving half of myself convince me to buy an iced latte just because I'm at school again and "deserve a treat". I can go home and enjoy a mug of tea or something for literally a fraction of the cost. Buying gas is essential, but I can pay attention to which gas stations have cheaper prices when I know I'm running low.

Overall I need to kick my saving efforts up a notch, and cut down on extraneous spending. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy a latte every once in a while, but I'm definitely not buying one two times a week just because it's available.

-M.