I feel like saying I'm lost.

But that's not quite right, is it? Besides the obvious cliche, the words fall flat. I never really found myself in the first place, so in a way I've always been lost; I just didn't notice it so much for a while there. Back then I threw away the map, and stared at you for guidance. You were all I needed, and I bathed in the joy that came with no directions.

And then, quite suddenly, you were gone, and I was on my own again. The loneliness took over, consumed me, and then spit me out in a crumpled ball when it was quite through. Stumbling, I tried to straighten up, to figure out which side of the world the sun faced, and I aimed in that direction. I chose the wrong path. I'm still heading toward the sun--if my calculations are right, I should start hitting the daylight Friday around noon--but it wasn't a straight shot.

Let's be honest. I lost you. "It wouldn't have worked out, anyway", I keep telling myself. I don't know if that's true, of course, but sometimes it hurts less thinking that way. Sometimes it hurts more.

I lost my motivation to do anything productive with my life. But I know I need the grades, so I'm doing the bare minimum. And getting away with it. Everyone's afraid to break me if they push too hard. The first few days hit hard. Even my teacher noticed Tuesday that something was terribly wrong with me. She offered me a chance to talk, but didn't push. I chose to be alone, hiding out on the couch in the bathroom with my headphones in, instead.

I lost my job. I need the money to go back to main campus next semester. To buy gas to get me to classes this semester. I need the experience to get me a future job. Or an internship. Or a life in the real world.

I don't know where I'm going. The only thing I can see is that tiny patch of sunlight on Friday.

God willing, the light it brings will help me last longer than I can imagine at the moment.

Happiness, Week 2

Here it is, another week, another weekly goal. Last week I was trying to find the hidden little things in my life that made me happy even if I’d stopped noticing them. It’s surprising how much I found when I was actually actively looking and paying attention.

This week, conveniently starts on Valentine’s (in case you missed it, I’m going to blatantly advertise my earlier post on Valentine’s Day here ). In my opinion the whole point about Valentine’s Day is love. Conveniently this ties in with what I want to do in my goal this week. Last week I found happiness in my life—and a lot of that stemmed from simple little things or from things that people around me had done for me. This week is about sharing that love back with the people I care about, and giving them some extra happiness.

So, Week 2, Goal 2:

Show the people you care about that you really care about them. Everyone wants to feel happy or loved; they’re the two biggest things people want out of life. If you want those feelings, why not share them with others so that they can benefit, too? I’m planning on focusing on friends, family, neighbors…people I know and really care about. It’s about giving love back to the people who love me, and about sharing some of the happiness in my life with them. “Sharing is caring”, and the greatest thing to share is feelings and happiness and hopefulness and love. It’s not just the big things that count, necessarily, but it’s all the little things that can bring a little bit of sunshine back to their day, too.

So, this week I plan on doing little things to show people that I care. If I can find happiness in my own life, it’s only fair that I show the people I care about that their can be joy in theirs, as well. (:

-M.

It's Monday.

oh. and Valentine's, too. But you knew that. February 14th is impossible to escape from, whether you're lonely and single; taken and adorable to the point of inducing vomit from other people; or, taken and....so far away from the person you love, that you're almost as lonely as the single people out there.

No matter what category you fall in, you're completely aware that it's more than a Monday. For one thing, the amount of pink and red everywhere is disgusting (sorry, but I hate the color pink. If you like it...well, I apologize for insulting it?). The amount of cheesy (or sincere) cards everywhere is also pretty in your face, and roses just happen to be sprouting in everyone's houses (or so it seems). But don't get me started on that. [Too late.]

If you get someone a box of chocolates (classically heart-shaped) and a dozen roses for Valentine's Day you are A. The least-creative soul in the world (except for all the other poor pathetic souls doing the exact same thing as you) and B. just going through the motions. (oh, and C. Wasting a hell of a lot of money on roses. that die. really fast.) Yes, a lot of girls appreciate flowers. And most girls love chocolate. But combining these two gifts on a day where they're most expected (and easy to find in any store you go into) is, well, sort of sad. You don't care enough about the person to at least toss a little creativity into the mix? I can't speak for everyone, but personally I'd rather get a card with a cute little thought-out message (hand-written by you, not already in the card) than some chocolate and a bunch of dead things. I mean flowers. Commercialization is not cute, and it's not love. It's media-induced cheesiness that comes from your pocket, not your heart.

Okay, now that that little rant is over, here comes my next one. Ready?

As much as I've been there, being single on Valentine's Day does not mean that it's your time to go find a secluded corner in which you can bawl your eyes out. I know there are anti-Valentine's parties (and yes, I've celebrated anti-Valentine's, myself. It's rather fun.) and those are cool, but the thing is, Valentine's Day is supposed to be about LOVE. Not just "hi, you're my boyfriend/girlfriend, I love you" love, but all kinds. I'm assuming you love your family and your friends. They deserve just as much attention as anyone else. So, maybe make a card for your mom to remind her how much you love her. Or, maybe bake a bunch of heart-shaped cookies (or just regular-shaped ones) to give to your friends or to hand out at your anti-Valentine's Day party. Show a little love to the people you care about, instead of feeling sorry for the lack-of-love you seem to have in your life. Relationships are with more people than whoever you might or might not be dating, and love is the key factor. So, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, remember to celebrate love; after all that's the point of Valentine's Day. (Why do you think all your elementary school teachers made you get a Valentine's card for everyone? You're supposed to spread the love around and make sure that nobody feels left out, even if that means you give that "weird kid" your least favorite design from the box of Valentine's Day cards your mom bought.)

My dad's gotten me a box of chocolates every Valentine's Day for as long as I can remember, and my mom's made me a card and gotten me some other little thing. All those chocolates and little cards saved me from many lonely, hated Valentine's Days in middle school and high school, and I’m terribly grateful. I didn’t really get why they got stuff for me for the longest time. At first I thought that maybe my dad thought I’d get jealous or try to steal my mom’s chocolate if he just bought presents for her, then I thought that maybe they didn't want me to feel left out. Finally, between that and other reasons, I came to the conclusion that I’ve presented now—Valentine’s Day is about love. So, enjoy today, and don’t forget the most important bits of the holiday. Happy Valentine's Day!

Love,

M.