I feel like saying I'm lost.

But that's not quite right, is it? Besides the obvious cliche, the words fall flat. I never really found myself in the first place, so in a way I've always been lost; I just didn't notice it so much for a while there. Back then I threw away the map, and stared at you for guidance. You were all I needed, and I bathed in the joy that came with no directions.

And then, quite suddenly, you were gone, and I was on my own again. The loneliness took over, consumed me, and then spit me out in a crumpled ball when it was quite through. Stumbling, I tried to straighten up, to figure out which side of the world the sun faced, and I aimed in that direction. I chose the wrong path. I'm still heading toward the sun--if my calculations are right, I should start hitting the daylight Friday around noon--but it wasn't a straight shot.

Let's be honest. I lost you. "It wouldn't have worked out, anyway", I keep telling myself. I don't know if that's true, of course, but sometimes it hurts less thinking that way. Sometimes it hurts more.

I lost my motivation to do anything productive with my life. But I know I need the grades, so I'm doing the bare minimum. And getting away with it. Everyone's afraid to break me if they push too hard. The first few days hit hard. Even my teacher noticed Tuesday that something was terribly wrong with me. She offered me a chance to talk, but didn't push. I chose to be alone, hiding out on the couch in the bathroom with my headphones in, instead.

I lost my job. I need the money to go back to main campus next semester. To buy gas to get me to classes this semester. I need the experience to get me a future job. Or an internship. Or a life in the real world.

I don't know where I'm going. The only thing I can see is that tiny patch of sunlight on Friday.

God willing, the light it brings will help me last longer than I can imagine at the moment.

De-stressing

Alright, tad bit late on my goal post. I worked longer than normal this weekend and ended up completely disorganized, but I'm back, my assignments and plans for the week are written down (and color-coordinated!), and I'm ready to get back on schedule.

Going with the idea of long work hours, looming midterms, and plenty of class projects, I'm taking this week to start scheduling in "de-stressing" times. So, goal 29 is to take a little bit of time out each day to just turn away from all forms of distractions or technology, and take just a few minutes to breathe on my own, stop focusing so hard on whatever I happen to be doing, and just take the time to relax.

Stress is tiring and unhealthy, not to mention frustrating, and it'll be nice to try and get away from that a little bit each day.

So,

last week's goal was borne more out of necessity than anything. The first half of the week was rough, but by the end I was back on track, focusing on my goals, cleaning my room, and keeping the non-happy bits of me safely locked away.

In the mean time, I'm more focused now, and I'm ready to begin the week after syllabus week as I always intend to stay: organized. This means putting all my major due dates up on my google calendar (I got a head start on that last night), checking my syllabi regularly to keep up with my readings, and making a list each week of homework that needs to be accomplished. I got into the swing of doing that by the end of last semester, and I'm hoping I'll be able to start--and keep up with it!--earlier this semester. Overall, goal 26 is to get my school things organized, and keep them that way.