Thursday, October 6, 2011

I feel like saying I'm lost.

But that's not quite right, is it? Besides the obvious cliche, the words fall flat. I never really found myself in the first place, so in a way I've always been lost; I just didn't notice it so much for a while there. Back then I threw away the map, and stared at you for guidance. You were all I needed, and I bathed in the joy that came with no directions.

And then, quite suddenly, you were gone, and I was on my own again. The loneliness took over, consumed me, and then spit me out in a crumpled ball when it was quite through. Stumbling, I tried to straighten up, to figure out which side of the world the sun faced, and I aimed in that direction. I chose the wrong path. I'm still heading toward the sun--if my calculations are right, I should start hitting the daylight Friday around noon--but it wasn't a straight shot.

Let's be honest. I lost you. "It wouldn't have worked out, anyway", I keep telling myself. I don't know if that's true, of course, but sometimes it hurts less thinking that way. Sometimes it hurts more.

I lost my motivation to do anything productive with my life. But I know I need the grades, so I'm doing the bare minimum. And getting away with it. Everyone's afraid to break me if they push too hard. The first few days hit hard. Even my teacher noticed Tuesday that something was terribly wrong with me. She offered me a chance to talk, but didn't push. I chose to be alone, hiding out on the couch in the bathroom with my headphones in, instead.

I lost my job. I need the money to go back to main campus next semester. To buy gas to get me to classes this semester. I need the experience to get me a future job. Or an internship. Or a life in the real world.

I don't know where I'm going. The only thing I can see is that tiny patch of sunlight on Friday.

God willing, the light it brings will help me last longer than I can imagine at the moment.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

De-stressing

Alright, tad bit late on my goal post. I worked longer than normal this weekend and ended up completely disorganized, but I'm back, my assignments and plans for the week are written down (and color-coordinated!), and I'm ready to get back on schedule.

Going with the idea of long work hours, looming midterms, and plenty of class projects, I'm taking this week to start scheduling in "de-stressing" times. So, goal 29 is to take a little bit of time out each day to just turn away from all forms of distractions or technology, and take just a few minutes to breathe on my own, stop focusing so hard on whatever I happen to be doing, and just take the time to relax.

Stress is tiring and unhealthy, not to mention frustrating, and it'll be nice to try and get away from that a little bit each day.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Focusing on Money

Here it is, another Monday, and another day of reading textbooks I don't want to read for classes that I have tomorrow. Thankfully the classes themselves are at least somewhat interesting. This week is a crazy one for me--I had work yesterday, tomorrow I have class, Wednesday I work, Thursday I have class again (until 9:00 at night, have I mentioned that?), Friday I work, Saturday I work, and next Sunday I work, too. Basically, this is my only day off. I'm pretty happy that I actually planned ahead last week and didn't procrastinate for once--I have a project and a paper due on Tuesday; I finished both of them by the end of Saturday.

Anyway, none of that has to do with my goal of the week. While I am working more (and earning more money, woo!) I need to evaluate my spending as well. Along with my cleaning efforts, I've somehow stopped enjoying shopping as much as I once did. Last week I had a 40 dollar coupon to spend (no fine print except the expiration date; the benefits of buying things at Kohl's), and I literally had trouble finding things to buy. I got the two things I needed, and still had 20 dollars left to spend. I found myself wishing that 20 dollars was cash, because I'd rather have saved it than needed to spend it. Despite this, I'm still noticing that I'm spending close to what I make each week.

So goal 28 is to pay more attention to where my money goes, and to try to decrease my spending; i.e. refusing to let the caffeine-loving half of myself convince me to buy an iced latte just because I'm at school again and "deserve a treat". I can go home and enjoy a mug of tea or something for literally a fraction of the cost. Buying gas is essential, but I can pay attention to which gas stations have cheaper prices when I know I'm running low.

Overall I need to kick my saving efforts up a notch, and cut down on extraneous spending. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy a latte every once in a while, but I'm definitely not buying one two times a week just because it's available.

-M.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

This Goal Post Brought to You By:

(well, still me, but) a 20 year old! Which has thrown me into a whirl of panic, because 20 sounds like the age when you are supposed to be much more responsible than I currently am.

Either way, I present to you goal 27: Try new things. Be daring. Do things that slightly terrify me (no, this does not include sky diving).

As example, I present to you the fact that yesterday I went to work with only eyeliner and mascara on my face (/awkward phrasing). Please note that I'm the girl who refuses to go down the driveway to the mailbox without wearing foundation, blush, eyeliner, mascara, the whole works.

Yesterday I pushed the envelope and did something (non-dangerous) that scared me a bit none-the-less. I looked in the mirror, told myself I was pretty, and decided I didn't have to smear stuff all over my face to prove it. I still wore my signature eyeliner, but that was it. And no one said anything. A risk worth trying.

-M.

Monday, August 29, 2011

So,

last week's goal was borne more out of necessity than anything. The first half of the week was rough, but by the end I was back on track, focusing on my goals, cleaning my room, and keeping the non-happy bits of me safely locked away.

In the mean time, I'm more focused now, and I'm ready to begin the week after syllabus week as I always intend to stay: organized. This means putting all my major due dates up on my google calendar (I got a head start on that last night), checking my syllabi regularly to keep up with my readings, and making a list each week of homework that needs to be accomplished. I got into the swing of doing that by the end of last semester, and I'm hoping I'll be able to start--and keep up with it!--earlier this semester. Overall, goal 26 is to get my school things organized, and keep them that way.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Today was the first day of classes,

which signifies that summer is officially over. It's also monday, so new goal day! Originally I had something else planned for this week's goal, but my emotions have been 100% everywhere over the past few days, so goal 25: Focus on Happy. Also, don't lose sight of the progress I've been making these past weeks, as far as cleaning my room and staying organized. Remember my goals. Just because classes started again, it doesn't mean I should lose sight of what I've been working toward.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Hello!

Monday's here again, so time to evaluate and make another goal! Between avoiding too much focus on the past, and watching a few episodes of the show "Hoarders" my room has suddenly started becoming noticeably cleaner. Funny how things like that work. >.>

This week's goal goes along with the room cleaning. I have many books. MANY books. I suck at math and estimation and the sorts, but I'd say I definitely have over 100 books, possibly close to 200. Naturally they don't all fit on the bookshelves I have, so there are little stacks on the floor. (And the desk. And the nightstand. Not to mention that there are books in front of books and on top of other books on every shelf of the bookcase.) So goal 24: Go through all my books. The ones I definitely want to keep need to find their way on to the shelves somehow. Ones that I no longer care for can be gotten rid of, and the ones I want to read before I get rid of need to be put in one neat stack, together.

-M.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Goal 23

Alright, so I kinda dropped the ball with my whole weekly goal thing. (Please note that I originally wrote “dropped the bomb” and stared at it for like 10 minutes trying to figure out what was wrong.) I’m going to keep trying, though, and pretend I didn’t screw up, so here it goes:

I am one of those people that constantly lives in the past, occasionally in the present, and thinks of the future only in a sort of dreamy, far-off, distant kind of way. This week I want to modify that a bit. So, goal 23 is to focus a bit on the close-future. Nothing too far in the distance, but I’m going to get a bit more organized for fall semester, and hopefully plan out some breaks when I’ll go to visit people, along with planning for other events that I want to incorporate, and writing notes of when to make birthday cards and things so I can mail them on time. I also want to write an updated journal post of where I see myself in the future. (I wrote one a while ago that I can’t see happening as much as I used to.)

Overall, more focus on the future, less focus on the past. I also want to get back to reading some more.

-M.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Try New Things

I never got around to typing up this goal before I left for California last week, but I fulfilled it, so here it is: Goal 22 was to try new things, and experiment a bit. Things blur together, and become nothing more than commonplace if you always do the same things—plus new experiences give you new perspectives and ideas.

My new experiences from last week included:

1. Flying on a plane by myself for the first time.
2. Flying in first class for the first time.
3. Riding in a convertible Mustang for the first time.
4. Driving on the beach for the first time.
5. Seeing real-life sea elephants for the first time.
6. I currently have feathers in my hair (predominantly blue in color)
7. I rode in an airplane with propellers for the first time.

-M.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Goal 21

My mom left at about 3 this morning, and will be gone for 2 weeks in California. I'm catching a flight to CA, myself, on Sunday, to join her. So far, though, it's only been a few hours, but I've already started getting some serious housework done. Something about having the house to myself makes me feel compelled to clean everything?

Anyway, seeing as I'm going to need to be packing and things, this week's goal is to go through all my clothes. Anything I haven't worn in a while or things I'm not sure fit I'm going to put in a pile. Then I'm going to try all of those things on, to see what I actually want to keep, and what I don't think I'll wear again. I've got a closet and a couple dressers stuffed full of clothes, so thinning that out would be nice.

In the mean time, I'm also going to continue cleaning up the house. It's always nice to come back from a trip to a lovely clean house (:

Friday, July 8, 2011

This is about half of the receipts that I ended up throwing out as part of my goal this week...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Goal 20

Tuesday post this week, what with yesterday being a holiday here in the States, and not being home for most of Sunday and Monday.

As you may have noticed from my summer goals thus far, they’ve all been focused on one thing: cleaning up. Cleaning up physically (my room, my house, taking care of my health/body), cleaning up mentally (reminding myself to take advantage of the weather, remember to live life, etc.), and cleaning up virtually (organizing my computer and internet tabs). This week is going along the lines of the physical cleaning up. I’ve been slowing getting through the piles of mess in my room that have been building since I was about 10. As you might imagine, that amounts to quite a lot of papers and random things I felt compelled to keep, sometimes for no apparent reason. Last week I decided to hit a pile on my desk, and found about 30 or so pieces of mail. I quickly stripped these of their envelopes to reduce space, and then split them up based on what they were—notices on my student loans, bank statements, and a bunch for a bill that I finished paying off last August (if that tells you how long I left this stuff sit). So, my goal for this week goes along the lines of finances and such.

Goal 20: Get my bank accounts back in order (putting my bank statements in order, updating my checkbook, etc.); go through my folder of receipts (I’ve been collecting receipts to almost every item I’ve purchased since I was about 12. I can probably chuck out 98% of these, excluding the ones that are useful for warranties and things); and, finally, also go through my folder of warranties (there’s probably warranties for things I no longer own in there…).

I’m slowly getting my room and my life back in order. Since the time that I left stuff collect I’ve becoming something of a clean-freak at times, and I am constantly going down to the kitchen and cleaning counters, putting away dishes, or cleaning up things that were left out for no apparent reason. The semesters I was away at college, my dorm room was always exceptionally neat, as well, and being in my bedroom at home now makes me somewhat claustrophobic.

No matter, I’ll get through it in time, due at least in part to the many goals I set for myself.

Cheers!

-M.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Intuitionist, A Book in Review

The Intuitionist is a novel by journalist and author, Colson Whitehead. While any number of themes can be pulled from the book (much to any English teacher's delight), The Intiutionist is mainly praised for its social commentary about racism. More than that, however, Whitehead remarks a lot on sexism, politics, and big business.

Written in a sort of parallel world, the novel revolves around elevators. Lila Mae, the main character, is an elevator inspector who has overcome society's stigma against not only women, but also her color, and her methods. The elevator inspectors world is split between Empiricists (who check the actual parts of the elevators) and Intuitionists (who feel and see what is wrong with an elevator using only intuition); Lila Mae is a firm believer in the latter. After she is the last person to inspect an elevator that later crashes, she is thrown into a world that awakens her--and the reader--to what goes on behind the curtains of politics and society in general.

After only one reading, I am sure I didn't grasp even half of the commentary in the book. There's a lot to process, sometimes, but it's a fun read and an eye-opener. I'd definitely recommend giving it a read.

-M.

Goal 19

With as much time as I spend on the computer, and more recently, the amount of time I’m spending at work, standing at a register, I’m hardly ever outside. Seeing as it’s summer, it’d be nice to go out and enjoy the weather every now and then. Apparently I need more motivation than just the weather to leave my precious computer, though.

So, this week’s goal: Try and get at least 2 hours of outside time a week. I don’t mean little snippets of “oh, hey, I’m watering the garden for 5 minutes”. I mean going outside for the sole purpose of enjoying summer; laying in my backyard and reading a book or getting in the pool.

Besides my goals of cleaning up my life and getting on a schedule, I want to make sure I actually set aside some time just for enjoying the summer and life in general.

I did a good amount of work on cleaning up my computer this past week, and I’ve been doing really well with scholarships. I’m applying to at least a couple each week, even if most of them don’t require full-out essays. I’ve also started picking up speed on reading books for enjoyment, so I’m hoping my increasing work schedule won’t interrupt that too much.

-M.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Goal 18

Now that I’ve started getting a handle on my summer, I’m going to slow down on how many new goals I’m trying in a week, so I don’t get overwhelmed to the point of throwing everything away.

My computer is a virtual mess. My desktop has about a zillion things on it, and I currently have 46 tabs open in Firefox, not to mention the 3 windows/72 tabs I have open in Google chrome. I’ve been trying to organize my folders, but with all the stuff everywhere, it’s not going so well.

Needless to say, my computer is not very thrilled with me. This week’s goal (18) is to go through all of my tabs, close out the ones I’ve forgotten about and don’t need, read the stuff that I intended to read months ago, and start working on clearing off my desktop, not to mention clearing my browser histories and cleaning up my disk registry.

Also, I’ve started falling behind on the going to bed at 2am, waking up at 10 schedule, but I’ve still been waking up before 11 every day, so I’m going to try and focus a little more on that.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

What counting calories this week taught me about myself:

I don’t eat anywhere near the same amount of calories every day. There will be a couple days where I’ll only eat 1000-1200 calories, and then there’ll be several days where I eat somewhere between 1800 and 2000 calories. I really like dessert (and anything you could potentially call a dessert), and it’s not exactly healthy, but it’s enjoyable, so I eat it. I also eat a lot of ice cream, even though I inevitably end up in a small cramped ball somewhere on the floor 15 minutes later, because I’m lactose intolerant (you’d think I’d learn my lesson, but it just tastes so good…).

I don’t eat the healthiest, but I don’t eat less than what I’m supposed to be eating on a daily basis, and I don’t eat extra on a daily basis, either. I rotate it through, and that’s good enough for me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Goals 16 and 17

Another week of summer is already gone, so I'm here to post another goal to keep me on track, and to avoid losing time. This week's mainly body-focused. I've been meaning to exercise for years, and last year there was a time-span of about 2 months where I actually got some crunches and push-ups done on a regular basis. And then I failed again.

Thus, goal 16 comes in to play. I plan on walking or using wii fit for half an hour, twice a week. It's not much, but it's a lot more than I've been doing, and it's a step in the right direction. If I can incorporate this in well enough, I might bump the number of times a week up, later in the summer.

My other goal this week is paying attention to what I eat. Overall I'd say I eat a pretty balanced diet (especially when I'm at home, with no Starbucks or bakeries around...), but I couldn't tell you how much I eat. About the only thing I know is that I probably eat way too much in the form of candy and dessert and such, and the calories there are killer. So, for this week, and only this week, I'm going to try and see how many calories I eat a day.

I don't want to become obsessed with calories or numbers. Quite honestly my brain does not function in math terms. Poor Kyle spent like 20 minutes the other day trying to explain to me percentages and such (100% more than 1 is 2. For some reason this was a hard concept for me to grasp. Yeah, I suck at math.) But this week, I want to experience what it's like, force a little bit of addition into my brain, and make myself see exactly how much I'm putting in my body. For my height, weight, and age, I'm supposed to eat somewhere between 1580 and 1780 calories a day. (So I'm going with roughly 1700.) If I'm feeling really motivated, I might use Livestrong's calorie counter, which also tracks what foods I've eaten, which will give me heads up on how "round" my diet actually is.

So, goal 16 is to start exercising again, and goal 17 (for only this week) is to pay more attention to what I'm eating, and how much of it.

-M.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Goals 14 and 15

Keeping in mind my rapidly passing summer, and the fact that I want to do something with my spare non-school time, I’m adding on more goals that I’m hoping to keep for the summer months.

During the school year, I’m kept pretty busy studying text books that range from interesting to the most deadly weapons I’ve ever seen (either useful as blunt objects to hit people with, or to force people to read until they die from the horribly written thing). If I’m not reading straight-up text books, there’s usually websites and research bits of text to read to help with whatever essay I have to write for class. Needless to say, I rarely get any time to just read what I want to read, and trust me, I love to read. Depending on how many hours my new job gives me, I’m hoping to get through a book a week. I might change that—to fewer, or greater—next week, but I guess we’ll see. Currently, though, goal 14 is to read at least one book a week.

I usually have trouble with scholarships, because I know I need them, but I usually forget about their deadlines until they’ve passed, which is pointless. I also have trouble getting over the idea of writing an essay that won’t get me a good grade, isn’t necessarily on a topic I enjoy, and might have been written for no purpose (such as if I don’t get the scholarship). The thing is, I need the scholarships, and it’s actually worse to do like 5 scholarships in one day, than if I’d spread out a few across a couple of weeks. Not to mention that the written portions of my scholarships get significantly better if I haven’t already written something unappealing earlier in the day. At the very least, if I don’t get the scholarships, I can help improve my writing. So, goal 15 is to find and complete at least 1 scholarship a week. (Preferably in some kind of order that correlates to when they’re due.)

As far as last week’s goals, they’re going pretty well so far. Except for yesterday, I woke up between 10 and 10:30 every day, and I went to bed by 2 on most days—though that could use some improvement. And here I am, writing another weekly post, so hopefully I keep up with that, as well. I have orientation for a new job this evening, so that might put a little bit of force behind my time schedule, too…

-M.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011





"Their names, though lost in earth below
And hence are not recorded here,
Are known where lasting pleasures flow,
Beyond the reach of death and fear"
"Their feet have trod misfortune's sand,
Their lives by hardships worn down;
They're gone, we trust, to better lands,
To brighter sunshine of their own."

___________________________________________________

Yesterday, in honor of memorial day, my dad and I went to 2 Revolutionary Soldiers Cemeteries that are near our house, in Pennsylvania. The poem was one of the things written on the monument at the first cemetery; the picture comes from the second. It was nice to see that both sites were well-kept, with new flags and well-trimmed grass. The saddest part, though, is that all of the soldiers who's graves were marked, were unknown. The plaque at one of the cemeteries said that there were other graves nearby, but they didn't know how to locate them. These men gave their lives hundreds of years ago, but we don't even know who they are...

-M.

Monday, May 30, 2011

I haven't made a goal post in about a month,

due to a load of final papers, final exams, and general procrastination. Actually I’ve been out of school for 2 weeks, so procrastination really is a biggie, here. Consequently I’ve also done absolutely nothing in the last 2 weeks that I can count as anywhere near consequential. My daily routine has basically become me waking up somewhere between 11 and 12, then going on tumblr for ages, playing an online game, watching tv with lunch, and going back on the computer for most of the day (more tv and movies with dinner), until I finally go to bed around 4am. It’s ridiculous.

In mounting frustration, I’ve tried to take control and do some dishes and laundry the past couple of days, but I still feel utterly unaccomplished. Every summer, without the structure of schoolwork and things that need to get done at certain times, I feel like I flail around hopelessly, getting nothing done, until August, when I realize I’ve frittered away most of the summer. At that point I make a few last attempts to cram in something worthwhile in the 2-3 weeks I have left before school starts up again. I don’t want that to happen again this year. So, I’ve had almost an entire month to wind down from school, and I’m ready to start living my summer.

The first thing I want to change is when I’m waking up (and consequently, when I’m going to bed, as well). It doesn’t matter that I have the same amount of time between 12pm and 4am as I would if I changed my sleeping time to 12am and my wake up time to 8am; every time I wake up at 12, I feel like I’ve already wasted most of the day. Then I feel like I’ve done nothing productive, and have no reason to do anything else productive, and my day goes from there…Not to mention that I’m usually the only person awake from about 12-4am, so I can’t accomplish anything that would be noisy. Naturally I turn to watching netflix on my laptop with the door closed, or I have another go on the internet. To be more productive, goal 12 is: I want to start going to bed by 2 am, and waking up by 10am. It might only be a 2 hour difference, but I know I won’t even bother trying if I make it too drastic.

Just waking up isn’t nearly enough, so this week’s other goal (goal 13) is to make sure I start up my weekly goal posts again. I should be able to accomplish writing once a week, and quite honestly, I’ve missed it.

-M.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

So, all this rapture business...

I don't believe in it. Of course, I consider myself agnostic, so I'm not really religious, but even if I were I still don't think I'd believe this. It's highly commercialized. Having enough money to put up billboards all over the place about the end of the world is ridiculous. While I appreciate and respect (and am fascinated by, in many cases) peoples' religions, I don't understand a religion that forces its beliefs on others or a religion that somehow manages to control large amounts of money. If the idea of rapture was simply spread through meetings between the people that believed in this, and people's personal communications--talking to people they know, making a post on their blog, group discussions among the believers--that'd be fine. I think the thing that's bothering me most isn't the idea of rapture and believing in it or not. The ludicrous thing is how commercial this is, and how many people are waiting to go to heaven or be forced to endure horribleness until they're consumed in fire, or whatnot. (Okay, I don't know all the specifics and technical words and such, sorry.)

On one hand, it's awesome for the people who finally spent money on big trips these past couple months, or took May 21st's death sentence as their chance to finally do something they've been meaning to do all their life. In fact, I applaud these people. So many people wait to do big things until they're retired, or they wait too long and never get the chance to do something that means a lot to them. So, if rapture means that people are living by the motto "live like you're going to die tomorrow", I can't find fault in that.

On the other hand, the people who are telling others that they're going to burn in hell for all eternity for not being "normal", are despicable. I don't understand people who say you can't be anything but heterosexual, white, a man (or a female who defers to men, constantly, and has no self-value), a virgin until marriage, and extremely religious. They dive into the bible and come up with abstract quotes condemning people for different things but, of course, find no quotes that would create fault in themselves.

So, if rapture happens later today, my deepest apologies for not believing sooner. Either way, I can't stand those people that condemn others for things they find fault with and can "support" with quotes from the bible, and I also can't stand how commercialized religion seems to have become. In the mean time, have a nice rapture-free day!

-M.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

S. Darko; Grade: B

In my opinion, Donnie Darko was far stronger than this sequel. This movie still held the mysteriousness, thrill, and sense of confusion that Donnie Darko had captured, but the characters were shakier, the meaning behind the time travel less fulfilling, and the end fairly flat.

As is seen in most sequels, S. Darko tried to encapsulate its prequel in a new way, and didn't live up to the same quality. Starting 7 years after Donnie Darko ended, S. Darko picks up with Donnie's little sister, Sam, (Daveigh Chase) traveling across the country to escape the demons in her head and in her past. Her best friend, Corey, is the outgoing, partying girl, that basically encapsulates everything that Sam is not. Their car breaks down in a town that has a lot of experience with strange events, suitable to the plot of Donnie Darko. I was pleased with the choice of Ed Westwick as the party-boy/hero/friend, and the first connection Sam and Corey have to the town. Seemingly to make up for the things it lacks, the movie also tries to play a little darker than Donnie Darko in several cases. Another "Frank" mask makes an appearance, and more "what if...." time travel events happen.

While I still feel that Donnie Darko was better, S. Darko still awakened the same questions that its prequel had, along with some new thoughts. I was disappointed by the end, though. After several leaps backward, the final conclusion felt less meaningful and less final than that of Donnie Darko.

-M.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

On Smiling:

You know the concept that if you smile even when you don't feel like it, that you'll end up smiling for real, or just feel happier anyway? They may have scientific mumbo jumbo on it, but I don't all the way buy it. I've faked a smile too many times in the past to believe it. Smiles on the outside don't always mean smiles on the inside.

Real smiles begin with happiness and fond memories and people we care about or who care about us. So this week, my goal is to make a list or a computer folder of things that make me smile. The websites that post pictures of adorable kittens that make me squeal, the people who always make me happy,--that doesn't include people who you get upset with sometimes, this is a permanently happy list--pictures of my favorite animals, my favorite books, favorite episodes of my favorite tv shows, etc. So, Goal 10, Week 11 is to make an entire list of things specific to my happiness....and Goal 11, Week 11 is to smile for real after I've had a lousy day or I've gotten upset, with a little help from my new list.

-M.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Cashback, a [Brief] Review/Critique

I've been seeing mention of the movie "Cashback" floating around on the web a few times, now--the first about a week ago. Someone mentioned they found it when browsing the instant movies on netflix, and sure enough it was easy to find.

The beginning pulled me in by the sheer artistic-ness of the movie, and the narration over a silent scene. A breakup at the beginning was faintly different, but the fact that our main character (Ben) was a blossoming artist in art school only added to the obviousness that this was going to be a "love story". Unfortunately, most of the movie intrigued me more because of the artistic-ness, than anything else. The love story part was long in the coming, as we watched Ben through his insomnia...to the point that I wondered if they were trying to make the audience understand how much time could drag out when boring things are occurring. Then the time-freezing started. When he first talked about it, Ben told us about the time freezing as though this were his way of coping with the insomnia and extra hours in his day. I'm a sucker for Fight Club, Running With Scissors, Shutter Island, etc. and I was hoping this was another movie that would dive into the mental side of things, but it didn't really, which I suppose was a bit of a disappointment. With only about 20 minutes of the movie left, I was wondering if there was actually a plot, and if the movie had hoped to accomplish anything other than showing off the artistic side of the female form (many, many female forms, might I add...). I won't give away the ending, but apparently the writers realized they needed to tie things up eventually, so they got the job done. Artistically, if nothing else.

Overall, I liked the movie. Despite the fact that it seemed to drag on at parts in the middle, there was something about it that kept me watching, almost as if I knew there had to be some good bits in there, somewhere. If you just want to see an indie film that really pulls out the artistic side of life, or you're a bit of an insomniac yourself, it's certainly worth a watch.

***Note: Something I wasn't quite expecting was the sheer amount of female nudity in the film. Artistically, it works. And I'm sure if you're into watching naked girls, it works for that, too...

Monday, April 11, 2011

Goal 9, Week 10

I’m writing this outside, sitting on a deck chair and enjoying the over-80 degree weather, cooled down a bit by a breeze that’s sprung up. It’s absolutely gorgeous out. The trees are still dead and leafless, but the grass has reached its peak greenness, and the daffodils are all blooming. Which leads me to this week’s goal: Make sure to go outside as often as you can this week. At least in PA, it’s been a long, miserably-cold winter, and the fact that it feels almost summery now is amazing. Today's the warmest day of the week in my area, but it doesn't get below 60° for the rest of the days, according to the forecast. Even just studying or doing homework outside is about a zillion times nicer than being locked in the house day after day, and it’s a nice change from what I’ve been doing the past few months. The sun’s enough to cheer me up over any little annoyances that I come across during the day, too. (Yay for vitamin D!)

So, Goal 9, Week 10: Get out of the house, and do whatever can be done outside as much as possible. I’ve already started—writing this outside, right now. And after this, I’ll be working on my Philosophy homework. With luck the rain that hit central PA earlier won’t hit where I am until later this evening. I’m looking forward to maybe getting rid of some of this paleness I have going on, too, but enjoying the weather, and enjoying myself outside are the biggest things. Living life is being happy, and being happy is enjoying the little things, like the plants growing back, the smell of summer, and the feel of the breeze on a hot, spring day…

-M.

Saturday, April 2, 2011





We got to wear reflective vests while cleaning up...it's crazy how much people litter!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Volunteering; Goal 7/8, Week 8

gah, procrastination is seriously killing me if I can barely keep up with one written blog post a week >.< Anyway.

When’s the last time you went out of your way to do extra work to help someone else out? The last time I volunteered was at a nursing home when I was 12 or 13. My grandma was in the home at the time, so I would stop by and play the piano for the people living there, and help out however I could for a few hours. I flat out refused to do more volunteer work after my grandma died, so here it is 6 or 7 years later. As part of my environmental biology class, we’re required to volunteer for something to help out the environment, and to write a paper on it. Reading that requirement I kind of grumbled a bit—the usual complaints; a waste of time, I probably have to wake up early, environmental stuff means I’ll be getting dirty, and so on and so forth. Then I stopped and thought about it. There were a few times in high school where I’d thought about volunteering, but had homework to do or college apps to fill out…and I realized something. I am really really good at procrastination.

Luckily, my assignment is forcing me to break that habit, so I’ll be volunteering this Saturday with a group that regularly meets to pick up trash. So my goal (7) is firstly to volunteer for something. My second goal of the week, though, is to sign up to the group so I find out when the next clean-up is, and will volunteer again (Goal 8, week 8). I want to get back into the swing of doing something good for the community around me, and giving back to the world that I’m living in. The thing is, there’s always a reason to put off volunteering, but there’s just this awesome feeling you get from doing it, knowing that you’re doing your part to help out. “It’s like getting dressed up, you never want to put the time in, but you feel great once you do.” (-theiceallmeltsaway)

So, goals 7 & 8, week 8: Volunteer somewhere, and make a point of doing it again in the near future. (kill procrastination!)

-M.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Goal 6, Week 7

Late again, I need to get better with procrastination and doing my homework earlier…anyway, it’s a bit rushed:

I’m crazy about wanting to travel, needing out of this town I grew up in, and just needing to explore and go on adventures. I feel like a lot of people who still live where they went to middle school and high school think the same way. If you’re like me, it’s really unfeasible to just pick up and go to another country tomorrow, even just for a couple days. It’s expensive, and it’s unrealistic. You don’t need to spend a billion dollars and travel the world to start experiencing new places/things, though. The goal for the rest of this week is to go somewhere you haven’t been. Go to a store in the mall you’ve been meaning to check out, or visit a new restaurant—bonus points if it’s ethnic food you’re not used to eating. This past Saturday I went to an Indian restaurant—Kaarma in State College, PA, if you’re interested—for the first time. I got a vegetable dish in a cashew sauce. It came with a side of rice, and was absolutely delicious! I’d never had Indian food before, so I didn’t realize the spiciness level was higher than I expected. The point is, even if you go somewhere new and hate whatever you see or eat there, it’s a new experience you wouldn’t have had otherwise. To live you need to branch out, experience new things, gain a new sense of life. If you never go outside of your comfort zone, you’re stuck to live the same days over and over and never grow, change, or live life. So, take a chance, explore somewhere near home.

-M.

Monday, March 14, 2011

"Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? ...

...Stop thinking all the time that you're in the way, that you're bothering the person next to you. If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem" — Paulo Coelho (Veronika Decides to Die)

With all the recent tragedies in Japan and the warnings of death and destruction in other countries, the possibility of death has kind of become forefront in my mind--not in a morbid way, just in a "this could happen" kind of way. That being said, I live in the middle of the east coast of the USA, far from anywhere that the recent natural disasters would effect. I don't know anybody living in Japan or the Philippines or Hawaii. I'm drinking mint tea in my house and typing this up on my laptop. I really have no reason to suspect or believe that I'm going to die tomorrow. But none of us really know when we're going to die, right? And when large-scale tragedy and death occurs in the world, it seems like an important reminder that life isn't a guarantee.

Everything you own could unexpectedly burn up in a fire that breaks out in your house tomorrow, or you could be caught up in a terrible accident, or diagnosed with cancer. The point is, things in life change. "Expect the unexpected" and all that jazz.

Everyone has had low points in their life, and most people have at some point wished they could erase the past, could start from scratch, have a new life, or they've wondered how many people would go to their funeral, considered the possibility of death. The fact that you're here, reading this now, proves that you've got something to live for. Whatever that something is--passion about a hobby, talent, love for someone--don't hide in a corner. Don't be the door mat. Be vibrant. If you're shy, I'm not telling you to go screaming it to the world (trust me, I wouldn't, I'm shy enough), but be assertive. Let people know you're alive, that you're present, and that you matter. If death were to hit you tomorrow, how many people would say that you made a statement about who you were? How many people would know what you were passionate about, what made you smile, and what you wanted to do with your life? Take a stand, state yourself. If you do that by having a bunch of strangers follow your blog where you post random facts about your culture, that's awesome. If you do that by having a real conversation with your family tomorrow, that's awesome, too. It doesn't matter how you do it, just do it in a way that you're comfortable--but do it!

I'm not really sure where I was going with this goal, except to say: appreciate that you're alive. Accept the fact that you can't flip back the switch and start this life over. Accept who you are, and be that person, no matter who objects. Don't be who your parents are just because they want you to. Don't do what your friends do because they're doing it; do it because you want to do it. Most importantly of all, remember that life is fragile, and that you don't know when the end is going to hit you--so live how you would live if you knew you were going to die by the end of the day tomorrow. I suppose that's one of my philosophies--live every day like you're dying. Give it a try: Goal 5, Week 6.

-M.

Sorry!

I took a break for a week, because I wasn't home for two days, I had a math midterm to study for, and I procrastinated a wee bit too much on my English paper. But, post later, promise!
-M.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Here a Pretty Baby Lies


Here a pretty baby lies, sung asleep with lullabies:
Pray be silent, and not stir
Th'easy earth that covers her.
-Robert Herrick (1648)




So, I just read this poem as part of my English class...and was seriously struck by how depressing it is...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

There's a Lot of People In the World

besides you. Part of living instead of just existing is allowing yourself to be more aware of things. First it means being more aware of yourself, what you're doing every day, and how you're living life. It also means being aware of your surroundings, and of the fact that there's a world outside of yourself. I don't just mean the nature outside or the people you see every day; there's an entire world out there that you more than likely have barely seen any of. So, become aware of it.

Goal 4, Week 4: Learn a little more about what's going on in the world. Pick up a newspaper, look up a news site on the internet, turn the news on tv, actually read the news that people post on their blogs. Here's the trick: Reading the comics section of the newspaper doesn't count, looking at a celebrity gossip website doesn't count, just watching the weather doesn't count, and reading about Whoever's new haircut doesn't count. Read actual news. Try it. Seriously. You can read about the festival that happened in your town yesterday, or you can see what's going down with the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics Mascots (hint: Vladimir Putin's got his hands in it...), or you can check for the latest updates about Libya. Anything you read that exists outside the realm of the celebrity/gossip/entertainment world is helping to immerse yourself in the world.

So, live a little bit, read about a country you never heard of, or become more aware of current events. No matter how you look at it, it's got positives. You're taking the time to learn a little more about things you're not aware of, you're immersing yourself in current events, you're opening yourself up to new things, and you're finding conversation starters. You'd be surprised how many people have seen enough news to take you up on a conversation about recent big events. So live a little bit and explore the news. Just don't get caught up in all the ads and media nonsense. (:

(Sorry the post is late this week! >.< )

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Goal 3, Final Day


I make it a point to never throw away anything I've written in a journal--I take that the good and the bad have both been written down, and if I wrote it down at some point in the past, then I had a good reason for writing it down.  I broke that rule yesterday, and it felt great.  These are some notes I wrote during one of my lowest points (Yes, I blurred the words out to post it here).  It was amazing to watch them burn and get them out of my room and out of my life for good.  No more flipping through old notebooks and accidentally re-finding them, or hitting another low point and revisiting them.  Gone. Burned.  I'm well on my way to getting rid of all the negative things I have hanging around.  Well on my way to more peace. <3


-M.

Friday, February 25, 2011



newest creation. (Photo credit=me, Editing=me)

There's no sense obsessing over the past, I know this. No matter what I do I can't change anything, can't correct anything, fix past mistakes, yet I keep going over things in my head wondering how things would have been different, if ____. The thing of it, though, is that even if I was offered the chance to go back and correct something I wouldn't take it. In my opinion, everything I've chosen to do in my life has inexplicably changed me in some way, and has led to every other event that's happened in my life. The fact is, I'm decently happy with where I am now, and, if the close future (i.e. this fall) turns out how I hope, I'll be happier than I've been in years and years. How could I turn all of that in for a sketchy present and future? How would I know that the changes I made in the past didn't screw this all up? I couldn't bear that, I love you.


I'll still continue to obsess, wonder why I was such an idiot in the past, but I'm trying to let go, to see that it doesn't matter, and maybe someday I'll succeed in realizing that for real...


-M.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Goal 3, Day 1

Here's one of the things I got rid of today:



To be specific this is a pair of a guy's American Eagle Jeans that I wore home one morning (they fit me).  The night before I wore these pants sucked, they started a period of "blackmail" so to speak, and above all of that, the guy who owned them is now a reminder of bad times in general.  So, these are now out of my drawer and at Goodwill waiting for somebody else to bring new significance to them.  Goodbye negative jeans!

Banning Negativity.


Most people keep mementos and little things that remind them of past times and memories.  I kinda take this way overboard and horde memories like they'll suddenly go endangered.  For example, just on a brief look around my room, I have a cardboard "Happy New Years" Hat on my dresser.  It's like if I threw that hat out this past year's New Years celebration would simply cease to exist.  Yes, I know that's 100% ridiculous and probably says I have complicated problems, but the point is, pretty much everyone keeps some things that remind them of past events.


The thing is, not all past events are happy memories or even ones that have any positive correlations.  Things that remind you of these not-so-positive memories become problems when they make you relive the past over and over, or keep you stuck in the past to the point that you can't move on to the future.  Beyond all this, items that you associate with negativity make you have negative thoughts and drag you down.  Start bailing out the water, this is another week and another goal.


Week 3, Goal 3: It's time to ban items associated with negative times, and possibly more importantly--it's time to ban those negative thoughts.


This week I plan on banning as many negative items from my life as possible.  Anything I come across that doesn't evoke happy thoughts and I don't need is getting chucked.  (Note: I had to put the "don't need" rule in or I would've chucked my math book...)  With less negative stuff around I'm hoping to have more positive energy around me and hopefully I'll find it a little easier to locate that happiness I was trying to find in week 1.  At the very least I'll get rid of some old stuff I don't need anymore that's just cluttering up my room.  So, here's to another week of finding ways to live in the present and look forward to the future, rather than just existing in the past.


-M.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happiness, Week 2

Here it is, another week, another weekly goal. Last week I was trying to find the hidden little things in my life that made me happy even if I’d stopped noticing them. It’s surprising how much I found when I was actually actively looking and paying attention.

This week, conveniently starts on Valentine’s (in case you missed it, I’m going to blatantly advertise my earlier post on Valentine’s Day here ). In my opinion the whole point about Valentine’s Day is love. Conveniently this ties in with what I want to do in my goal this week. Last week I found happiness in my life—and a lot of that stemmed from simple little things or from things that people around me had done for me. This week is about sharing that love back with the people I care about, and giving them some extra happiness.

So, Week 2, Goal 2:

Show the people you care about that you really care about them. Everyone wants to feel happy or loved; they’re the two biggest things people want out of life. If you want those feelings, why not share them with others so that they can benefit, too? I’m planning on focusing on friends, family, neighbors…people I know and really care about. It’s about giving love back to the people who love me, and about sharing some of the happiness in my life with them. “Sharing is caring”, and the greatest thing to share is feelings and happiness and hopefulness and love. It’s not just the big things that count, necessarily, but it’s all the little things that can bring a little bit of sunshine back to their day, too.

So, this week I plan on doing little things to show people that I care. If I can find happiness in my own life, it’s only fair that I show the people I care about that their can be joy in theirs, as well. (:

-M.

It's Monday.

oh. and Valentine's, too. But you knew that. February 14th is impossible to escape from, whether you're lonely and single; taken and adorable to the point of inducing vomit from other people; or, taken and....so far away from the person you love, that you're almost as lonely as the single people out there.

No matter what category you fall in, you're completely aware that it's more than a Monday. For one thing, the amount of pink and red everywhere is disgusting (sorry, but I hate the color pink. If you like it...well, I apologize for insulting it?). The amount of cheesy (or sincere) cards everywhere is also pretty in your face, and roses just happen to be sprouting in everyone's houses (or so it seems). But don't get me started on that. [Too late.]

If you get someone a box of chocolates (classically heart-shaped) and a dozen roses for Valentine's Day you are A. The least-creative soul in the world (except for all the other poor pathetic souls doing the exact same thing as you) and B. just going through the motions. (oh, and C. Wasting a hell of a lot of money on roses. that die. really fast.) Yes, a lot of girls appreciate flowers. And most girls love chocolate. But combining these two gifts on a day where they're most expected (and easy to find in any store you go into) is, well, sort of sad. You don't care enough about the person to at least toss a little creativity into the mix? I can't speak for everyone, but personally I'd rather get a card with a cute little thought-out message (hand-written by you, not already in the card) than some chocolate and a bunch of dead things. I mean flowers. Commercialization is not cute, and it's not love. It's media-induced cheesiness that comes from your pocket, not your heart.

Okay, now that that little rant is over, here comes my next one. Ready?

As much as I've been there, being single on Valentine's Day does not mean that it's your time to go find a secluded corner in which you can bawl your eyes out. I know there are anti-Valentine's parties (and yes, I've celebrated anti-Valentine's, myself. It's rather fun.) and those are cool, but the thing is, Valentine's Day is supposed to be about LOVE. Not just "hi, you're my boyfriend/girlfriend, I love you" love, but all kinds. I'm assuming you love your family and your friends. They deserve just as much attention as anyone else. So, maybe make a card for your mom to remind her how much you love her. Or, maybe bake a bunch of heart-shaped cookies (or just regular-shaped ones) to give to your friends or to hand out at your anti-Valentine's Day party. Show a little love to the people you care about, instead of feeling sorry for the lack-of-love you seem to have in your life. Relationships are with more people than whoever you might or might not be dating, and love is the key factor. So, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, remember to celebrate love; after all that's the point of Valentine's Day. (Why do you think all your elementary school teachers made you get a Valentine's card for everyone? You're supposed to spread the love around and make sure that nobody feels left out, even if that means you give that "weird kid" your least favorite design from the box of Valentine's Day cards your mom bought.)

My dad's gotten me a box of chocolates every Valentine's Day for as long as I can remember, and my mom's made me a card and gotten me some other little thing. All those chocolates and little cards saved me from many lonely, hated Valentine's Days in middle school and high school, and I’m terribly grateful. I didn’t really get why they got stuff for me for the longest time. At first I thought that maybe my dad thought I’d get jealous or try to steal my mom’s chocolate if he just bought presents for her, then I thought that maybe they didn't want me to feel left out. Finally, between that and other reasons, I came to the conclusion that I’ve presented now—Valentine’s Day is about love. So, enjoy today, and don’t forget the most important bits of the holiday. Happy Valentine's Day!

Love,

M.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Goal 1, Day 5

Happiness is:

1) A valentine with BACON on it from one of my other best friends (:

2) Starting to read "Before I Die" (a valentines present)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Goal 1, Day 4

Happiness is:

1) Seeing Kyle ♥

2) Getting a valentine from one of my best friends in the mail (:

3) Kyle.

4) Falling asleep on clean sheets/a freshly made bed.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Goal 1, Day 3

Happiness is:

1) Eating waffles with ice cream for breakfast

2) Taking a fantastically hot shower.

3) Having entertaining people who want to talk to me during my Com class break.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Goal 1, Day 2

Happiness is...

1) Cuddling up with 2 stuffed animals that were given to me by people I really care about (:

2) Getting a message on tumblr that said this:


(seriously, this made my day!)

3) Making coconut shrimp for dinner.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Goal 1, Day 1

Happiness is…

1) Girl Scout cookies.

2) A phone call from a friend I haven’t talked to in months.

3) The little texts I get from Kyle throughout the day. Every one of them makes me smile (:

4) Hot tea or fizzy powder lattes later at night…


Make the choice, be happy.


On a regular basis we should strive to do more than just exist.  If all we do day after day is mindlessly just walk around, there's no point to us being alive except to create the next generation of people who will....what? Do the same thing?  What's the point of continuing the human species if all we do is work and make money and have kids and die?


I want to make a weekly goal that I plan on sticking to (and blogging about so you can see that I actually did it), and I'm not going to lie, it'd be pretty awesome if some of the people who read this did the goal, too.  The point of this is to actually live, not just exist.  And, hopefully, week by week I'll learn more about what living feels like. So,


Week 1, Goal 1: Be happy.


It's pretty simple, 2 words, a verb and a noun, and it makes a lot of sense.  Quite simply, being sad or angry sucks.  Yet we allow ourselves to fall off the happiness path on a pretty regular basis (from the people I see, anyway).  Being happy is feeling something, something different from the norm, something that triggers other emotions, and laughter, and creativity and 100 other things.  Being happy changes who we are in that moment.  It's pretty awesome, actually.


On a regular basis I'm not necessarily sad, but I'm not happy, either.  I'm existing.  If you tell me to do something (wash your dishes, go buy some bread), I'll probably do it [unless it's something seriously stupid].  I might do it in the most half-hearted way you've ever seen, but it'll get done, and that's that.  Most of my day in this hazy "existence" stage is spent via hours on the computer or watching tv, and eating food.  When I "exist" I eat like I've forgotten the last time I've eaten.   And that's kind of true.  When I'm just going through the paces in my zombie-mode I don't remember much of what I've been doing, so ah, wth, I'll eat a couple more cookies, finish off the bag of chips, go back later for a sandwich and a few spoon-fulls of peanut butter.  The thing of it is, when I wake up from my crazy trance days or weeks later, I look back and go "geez, what did I even accomplish during that time?" The answer is generally "er...I did the dishes a few times.  AND I WROTE AN ESSAY. (in 2 hours. That was kinda just thrown together. That I should have been working on all week seeing as it's worth a quarter of my grade...)."  It's not exactly impressive.  Actually, no, worse than that.  It's pretty pathetic.


Which brings me to this weeks goal: happiness.  If I can find happiness on a day-to-day basis, hopefully it'll help keep me afloat in the real world, where I can keep feeling more than alive.  Broken down,  I plan on finding the little things during the day that bring me the most joy.  On a daily basis, I'm sure there's at least a few little things that bring me some level of happiness, I've just failed to notice them any time in the past I-don't-know-how-many years.  This week I intend to uncover those things and, ultimately, make the choice to be happy.

Purpose Statement of Sorts

One of my favorite quotes is “There’s more to living than being alive”. It’s actually Anberlin song lyrics, but I’ve taken it as a sort of life motto. I’ve been striving to find ways to live rather than just exist in this world, and this blog is my collection of random (hopefully inspiring) thoughts on this as well as some inspiring pictures that I’ve found or taken. If you want to see some other random things about me in general, you can check out my tumblr.

In the mean time I hope you find some inspiration here, or at least like what I have to say. (:

-M.