Goal 3, Final Day

I make it a point to never throw away anything I've written in a journal--I take that the good and the bad have both been written down, and if I wrote it down at some point in the past, then I had a good reason for writing it down.  I broke that rule yesterday, and it felt great.  These are some notes I wrote during one of my lowest points (Yes, I blurred the words out to post it here).  It was amazing to watch them burn and get them out of my room and out of my life for good.  No more flipping through old notebooks and accidentally re-finding them, or hitting another low point and revisiting them.  Gone. Burned.  I'm well on my way to getting rid of all the negative things I have hanging around.  Well on my way to more peace. <3

-M.

newest creation. (Photo credit=me, Editing=me)

There's no sense obsessing over the past, I know this. No matter what I do I can't change anything, can't correct anything, fix past mistakes, yet I keep going over things in my head wondering how things would have been different, if ____. The thing of it, though, is that even if I was offered the chance to go back and correct something I wouldn't take it. In my opinion, everything I've chosen to do in my life has inexplicably changed me in some way, and has led to every other event that's happened in my life. The fact is, I'm decently happy with where I am now, and, if the close future (i.e. this fall) turns out how I hope, I'll be happier than I've been in years and years. How could I turn all of that in for a sketchy present and future? How would I know that the changes I made in the past didn't screw this all up? I couldn't bear that, I love you.

I'll still continue to obsess, wonder why I was such an idiot in the past, but I'm trying to let go, to see that it doesn't matter, and maybe someday I'll succeed in realizing that for real...

-M.

Goal 3, Day 1

Here's one of the things I got rid of today:

To be specific this is a pair of a guy's American Eagle Jeans that I wore home one morning (they fit me).  The night before I wore these pants sucked, they started a period of "blackmail" so to speak, and above all of that, the guy who owned them is now a reminder of bad times in general.  So, these are now out of my drawer and at Goodwill waiting for somebody else to bring new significance to them.  Goodbye negative jeans!

Banning Negativity.

Most people keep mementos and little things that remind them of past times and memories.  I kinda take this way overboard and horde memories like they'll suddenly go endangered.  For example, just on a brief look around my room, I have a cardboard "Happy New Years" Hat on my dresser.  It's like if I threw that hat out this past year's New Years celebration would simply cease to exist.  Yes, I know that's 100% ridiculous and probably says I have complicated problems, but the point is, pretty much everyone keeps some things that remind them of past events.

The thing is, not all past events are happy memories or even ones that have any positive correlations.  Things that remind you of these not-so-positive memories become problems when they make you relive the past over and over, or keep you stuck in the past to the point that you can't move on to the future.  Beyond all this, items that you associate with negativity make you have negative thoughts and drag you down.  Start bailing out the water, this is another week and another goal.

Week 3, Goal 3: It's time to ban items associated with negative times, and possibly more importantly--it's time to ban those negative thoughts.

This week I plan on banning as many negative items from my life as possible.  Anything I come across that doesn't evoke happy thoughts and I don't need is getting chucked.  (Note: I had to put the "don't need" rule in or I would've chucked my math book...)  With less negative stuff around I'm hoping to have more positive energy around me and hopefully I'll find it a little easier to locate that happiness I was trying to find in week 1.  At the very least I'll get rid of some old stuff I don't need anymore that's just cluttering up my room.  So, here's to another week of finding ways to live in the present and look forward to the future, rather than just existing in the past.

-M.

Happiness, Week 2

Here it is, another week, another weekly goal. Last week I was trying to find the hidden little things in my life that made me happy even if I’d stopped noticing them. It’s surprising how much I found when I was actually actively looking and paying attention.

This week, conveniently starts on Valentine’s (in case you missed it, I’m going to blatantly advertise my earlier post on Valentine’s Day here ). In my opinion the whole point about Valentine’s Day is love. Conveniently this ties in with what I want to do in my goal this week. Last week I found happiness in my life—and a lot of that stemmed from simple little things or from things that people around me had done for me. This week is about sharing that love back with the people I care about, and giving them some extra happiness.

So, Week 2, Goal 2:

Show the people you care about that you really care about them. Everyone wants to feel happy or loved; they’re the two biggest things people want out of life. If you want those feelings, why not share them with others so that they can benefit, too? I’m planning on focusing on friends, family, neighbors…people I know and really care about. It’s about giving love back to the people who love me, and about sharing some of the happiness in my life with them. “Sharing is caring”, and the greatest thing to share is feelings and happiness and hopefulness and love. It’s not just the big things that count, necessarily, but it’s all the little things that can bring a little bit of sunshine back to their day, too.

So, this week I plan on doing little things to show people that I care. If I can find happiness in my own life, it’s only fair that I show the people I care about that their can be joy in theirs, as well. (:

-M.

It's Monday.

oh. and Valentine's, too. But you knew that. February 14th is impossible to escape from, whether you're lonely and single; taken and adorable to the point of inducing vomit from other people; or, taken and....so far away from the person you love, that you're almost as lonely as the single people out there.

No matter what category you fall in, you're completely aware that it's more than a Monday. For one thing, the amount of pink and red everywhere is disgusting (sorry, but I hate the color pink. If you like it...well, I apologize for insulting it?). The amount of cheesy (or sincere) cards everywhere is also pretty in your face, and roses just happen to be sprouting in everyone's houses (or so it seems). But don't get me started on that. [Too late.]

If you get someone a box of chocolates (classically heart-shaped) and a dozen roses for Valentine's Day you are A. The least-creative soul in the world (except for all the other poor pathetic souls doing the exact same thing as you) and B. just going through the motions. (oh, and C. Wasting a hell of a lot of money on roses. that die. really fast.) Yes, a lot of girls appreciate flowers. And most girls love chocolate. But combining these two gifts on a day where they're most expected (and easy to find in any store you go into) is, well, sort of sad. You don't care enough about the person to at least toss a little creativity into the mix? I can't speak for everyone, but personally I'd rather get a card with a cute little thought-out message (hand-written by you, not already in the card) than some chocolate and a bunch of dead things. I mean flowers. Commercialization is not cute, and it's not love. It's media-induced cheesiness that comes from your pocket, not your heart.

Okay, now that that little rant is over, here comes my next one. Ready?

As much as I've been there, being single on Valentine's Day does not mean that it's your time to go find a secluded corner in which you can bawl your eyes out. I know there are anti-Valentine's parties (and yes, I've celebrated anti-Valentine's, myself. It's rather fun.) and those are cool, but the thing is, Valentine's Day is supposed to be about LOVE. Not just "hi, you're my boyfriend/girlfriend, I love you" love, but all kinds. I'm assuming you love your family and your friends. They deserve just as much attention as anyone else. So, maybe make a card for your mom to remind her how much you love her. Or, maybe bake a bunch of heart-shaped cookies (or just regular-shaped ones) to give to your friends or to hand out at your anti-Valentine's Day party. Show a little love to the people you care about, instead of feeling sorry for the lack-of-love you seem to have in your life. Relationships are with more people than whoever you might or might not be dating, and love is the key factor. So, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, remember to celebrate love; after all that's the point of Valentine's Day. (Why do you think all your elementary school teachers made you get a Valentine's card for everyone? You're supposed to spread the love around and make sure that nobody feels left out, even if that means you give that "weird kid" your least favorite design from the box of Valentine's Day cards your mom bought.)

My dad's gotten me a box of chocolates every Valentine's Day for as long as I can remember, and my mom's made me a card and gotten me some other little thing. All those chocolates and little cards saved me from many lonely, hated Valentine's Days in middle school and high school, and I’m terribly grateful. I didn’t really get why they got stuff for me for the longest time. At first I thought that maybe my dad thought I’d get jealous or try to steal my mom’s chocolate if he just bought presents for her, then I thought that maybe they didn't want me to feel left out. Finally, between that and other reasons, I came to the conclusion that I’ve presented now—Valentine’s Day is about love. So, enjoy today, and don’t forget the most important bits of the holiday. Happy Valentine's Day!

Love,

M.

Goal 1, Day 5

Happiness is:

1) A valentine with BACON on it from one of my other best friends (:

2) Starting to read "Before I Die" (a valentines present)

Goal 1, Day 4

Happiness is:

1) Seeing Kyle ♥

2) Getting a valentine from one of my best friends in the mail (:

3) Kyle.

4) Falling asleep on clean sheets/a freshly made bed.

Goal 1, Day 3

Happiness is:

1) Eating waffles with ice cream for breakfast

2) Taking a fantastically hot shower.

3) Having entertaining people who want to talk to me during my Com class break.

Goal 1, Day 2

Happiness is...

1) Cuddling up with 2 stuffed animals that were given to me by people I really care about (:

2) Getting a message on tumblr that said this:


(seriously, this made my day!)

3) Making coconut shrimp for dinner.

Goal 1, Day 1

Happiness is…

1) Girl Scout cookies.

2) A phone call from a friend I haven’t talked to in months.

3) The little texts I get from Kyle throughout the day. Every one of them makes me smile (:

4) Hot tea or fizzy powder lattes later at night…

Make the choice, be happy.

On a regular basis we should strive to do more than just exist.  If all we do day after day is mindlessly just walk around, there's no point to us being alive except to create the next generation of people who will....what? Do the same thing?  What's the point of continuing the human species if all we do is work and make money and have kids and die?

I want to make a weekly goal that I plan on sticking to (and blogging about so you can see that I actually did it), and I'm not going to lie, it'd be pretty awesome if some of the people who read this did the goal, too.  The point of this is to actually live, not just exist.  And, hopefully, week by week I'll learn more about what living feels like. So,

Week 1, Goal 1: Be happy.

It's pretty simple, 2 words, a verb and a noun, and it makes a lot of sense.  Quite simply, being sad or angry sucks.  Yet we allow ourselves to fall off the happiness path on a pretty regular basis (from the people I see, anyway).  Being happy is feeling something, something different from the norm, something that triggers other emotions, and laughter, and creativity and 100 other things.  Being happy changes who we are in that moment.  It's pretty awesome, actually.

On a regular basis I'm not necessarily sad, but I'm not happy, either.  I'm existing.  If you tell me to do something (wash your dishes, go buy some bread), I'll probably do it [unless it's something seriously stupid].  I might do it in the most half-hearted way you've ever seen, but it'll get done, and that's that.  Most of my day in this hazy "existence" stage is spent via hours on the computer or watching tv, and eating food.  When I "exist" I eat like I've forgotten the last time I've eaten.   And that's kind of true.  When I'm just going through the paces in my zombie-mode I don't remember much of what I've been doing, so ah, wth, I'll eat a couple more cookies, finish off the bag of chips, go back later for a sandwich and a few spoon-fulls of peanut butter.  The thing of it is, when I wake up from my crazy trance days or weeks later, I look back and go "geez, what did I even accomplish during that time?" The answer is generally "er...I did the dishes a few times.  AND I WROTE AN ESSAY. (in 2 hours. That was kinda just thrown together. That I should have been working on all week seeing as it's worth a quarter of my grade...)."  It's not exactly impressive.  Actually, no, worse than that.  It's pretty pathetic.

Which brings me to this weeks goal: happiness.  If I can find happiness on a day-to-day basis, hopefully it'll help keep me afloat in the real world, where I can keep feeling more than alive.  Broken down,  I plan on finding the little things during the day that bring me the most joy.  On a daily basis, I'm sure there's at least a few little things that bring me some level of happiness, I've just failed to notice them any time in the past I-don't-know-how-many years.  This week I intend to uncover those things and, ultimately, make the choice to be happy.

Purpose Statement of Sorts

One of my favorite quotes is “There’s more to living than being alive”. It’s actually Anberlin song lyrics, but I’ve taken it as a sort of life motto. I’ve been striving to find ways to live rather than just exist in this world, and this blog is my collection of random (hopefully inspiring) thoughts on this as well as some inspiring pictures that I’ve found or taken. If you want to see some other random things about me in general, you can check out my tumblr.

In the mean time I hope you find some inspiration here, or at least like what I have to say. (:

-M.