I feel like saying I'm lost.

But that's not quite right, is it? Besides the obvious cliche, the words fall flat. I never really found myself in the first place, so in a way I've always been lost; I just didn't notice it so much for a while there. Back then I threw away the map, and stared at you for guidance. You were all I needed, and I bathed in the joy that came with no directions.

And then, quite suddenly, you were gone, and I was on my own again. The loneliness took over, consumed me, and then spit me out in a crumpled ball when it was quite through. Stumbling, I tried to straighten up, to figure out which side of the world the sun faced, and I aimed in that direction. I chose the wrong path. I'm still heading toward the sun--if my calculations are right, I should start hitting the daylight Friday around noon--but it wasn't a straight shot.

Let's be honest. I lost you. "It wouldn't have worked out, anyway", I keep telling myself. I don't know if that's true, of course, but sometimes it hurts less thinking that way. Sometimes it hurts more.

I lost my motivation to do anything productive with my life. But I know I need the grades, so I'm doing the bare minimum. And getting away with it. Everyone's afraid to break me if they push too hard. The first few days hit hard. Even my teacher noticed Tuesday that something was terribly wrong with me. She offered me a chance to talk, but didn't push. I chose to be alone, hiding out on the couch in the bathroom with my headphones in, instead.

I lost my job. I need the money to go back to main campus next semester. To buy gas to get me to classes this semester. I need the experience to get me a future job. Or an internship. Or a life in the real world.

I don't know where I'm going. The only thing I can see is that tiny patch of sunlight on Friday.

God willing, the light it brings will help me last longer than I can imagine at the moment.

De-stressing

Alright, tad bit late on my goal post. I worked longer than normal this weekend and ended up completely disorganized, but I'm back, my assignments and plans for the week are written down (and color-coordinated!), and I'm ready to get back on schedule.

Going with the idea of long work hours, looming midterms, and plenty of class projects, I'm taking this week to start scheduling in "de-stressing" times. So, goal 29 is to take a little bit of time out each day to just turn away from all forms of distractions or technology, and take just a few minutes to breathe on my own, stop focusing so hard on whatever I happen to be doing, and just take the time to relax.

Stress is tiring and unhealthy, not to mention frustrating, and it'll be nice to try and get away from that a little bit each day.

Focusing on Money

Here it is, another Monday, and another day of reading textbooks I don't want to read for classes that I have tomorrow. Thankfully the classes themselves are at least somewhat interesting. This week is a crazy one for me--I had work yesterday, tomorrow I have class, Wednesday I work, Thursday I have class again (until 9:00 at night, have I mentioned that?), Friday I work, Saturday I work, and next Sunday I work, too. Basically, this is my only day off. I'm pretty happy that I actually planned ahead last week and didn't procrastinate for once--I have a project and a paper due on Tuesday; I finished both of them by the end of Saturday.

Anyway, none of that has to do with my goal of the week. While I am working more (and earning more money, woo!) I need to evaluate my spending as well. Along with my cleaning efforts, I've somehow stopped enjoying shopping as much as I once did. Last week I had a 40 dollar coupon to spend (no fine print except the expiration date; the benefits of buying things at Kohl's), and I literally had trouble finding things to buy. I got the two things I needed, and still had 20 dollars left to spend. I found myself wishing that 20 dollars was cash, because I'd rather have saved it than needed to spend it. Despite this, I'm still noticing that I'm spending close to what I make each week.

So goal 28 is to pay more attention to where my money goes, and to try to decrease my spending; i.e. refusing to let the caffeine-loving half of myself convince me to buy an iced latte just because I'm at school again and "deserve a treat". I can go home and enjoy a mug of tea or something for literally a fraction of the cost. Buying gas is essential, but I can pay attention to which gas stations have cheaper prices when I know I'm running low.

Overall I need to kick my saving efforts up a notch, and cut down on extraneous spending. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy a latte every once in a while, but I'm definitely not buying one two times a week just because it's available.

-M.

This Goal Post Brought to You By:

(well, still me, but) a 20 year old! Which has thrown me into a whirl of panic, because 20 sounds like the age when you are supposed to be much more responsible than I currently am.

Either way, I present to you goal 27: Try new things. Be daring. Do things that slightly terrify me (no, this does not include sky diving).

As example, I present to you the fact that yesterday I went to work with only eyeliner and mascara on my face (/awkward phrasing). Please note that I'm the girl who refuses to go down the driveway to the mailbox without wearing foundation, blush, eyeliner, mascara, the whole works.

Yesterday I pushed the envelope and did something (non-dangerous) that scared me a bit none-the-less. I looked in the mirror, told myself I was pretty, and decided I didn't have to smear stuff all over my face to prove it. I still wore my signature eyeliner, but that was it. And no one said anything. A risk worth trying.

-M.

So,

last week's goal was borne more out of necessity than anything. The first half of the week was rough, but by the end I was back on track, focusing on my goals, cleaning my room, and keeping the non-happy bits of me safely locked away.

In the mean time, I'm more focused now, and I'm ready to begin the week after syllabus week as I always intend to stay: organized. This means putting all my major due dates up on my google calendar (I got a head start on that last night), checking my syllabi regularly to keep up with my readings, and making a list each week of homework that needs to be accomplished. I got into the swing of doing that by the end of last semester, and I'm hoping I'll be able to start--and keep up with it!--earlier this semester. Overall, goal 26 is to get my school things organized, and keep them that way.

Today was the first day of classes,

which signifies that summer is officially over. It's also monday, so new goal day! Originally I had something else planned for this week's goal, but my emotions have been 100% everywhere over the past few days, so goal 25: Focus on Happy. Also, don't lose sight of the progress I've been making these past weeks, as far as cleaning my room and staying organized. Remember my goals. Just because classes started again, it doesn't mean I should lose sight of what I've been working toward.

Hello!

Monday's here again, so time to evaluate and make another goal! Between avoiding too much focus on the past, and watching a few episodes of the show "Hoarders" my room has suddenly started becoming noticeably cleaner. Funny how things like that work. >.>

This week's goal goes along with the room cleaning. I have many books. MANY books. I suck at math and estimation and the sorts, but I'd say I definitely have over 100 books, possibly close to 200. Naturally they don't all fit on the bookshelves I have, so there are little stacks on the floor. (And the desk. And the nightstand. Not to mention that there are books in front of books and on top of other books on every shelf of the bookcase.) So goal 24: Go through all my books. The ones I definitely want to keep need to find their way on to the shelves somehow. Ones that I no longer care for can be gotten rid of, and the ones I want to read before I get rid of need to be put in one neat stack, together.

-M.